Great Capture Bin Laden Jokes from Late Night

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O'Brien

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick." -Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden had money and telephone numbers sewn into his clothes. Apparently we got him just as he was on his way to summer camp." -Jay Leno

"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." –David Letterman

"Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: 'The Cat in the Fatwa,' 'Horton hears a Helicopter,' 'Goodnight, Douche'" –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson

"There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans." –David Letterman

"The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It's a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head." –Jay Leno

"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno

"The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates." –Conan O'Brien

"What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden." –Jon Stewart

"He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot." –Jon Stewart

"Osama bin Laden, as we speak, is living with Spongebob in a pineapple under the sea." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He's up to 2,000 friends on Shot In The Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

“By the way, 'buried at sea'? means 'dumped in the ocean.' That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach."? –Jimmy Kimmel

"And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles." –Stephen Colbert

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'" –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno

"Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson

"Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer." –David Letterman

"I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon

Meeting Set-up Response Email

I was trying to set-up a meeting with an old work friend and he suggested we meet downtown near his office between 1pm and 3pm.   I decided to have fun with the response...

'Anytime works, but 1pm is best. If that doesn't work, what do you suggest?  I am flexible and can work with your request. Just let me know if you protest. I am heading to Cali from East to West.   Though I am a frugal traveler I must confess.  I am United Business Class, not flying Southwest.  When we meet I can fill you in on our new business quest.   I am pretty sure you will be at least a little impressed.  Dynamic Signal will not stand to be second best.  So far with funding we have been very blessed.  I will come to your office this time and be your guest.   I can head your way, can you send me the address?   I hate to bother you and be such a pest.  It will be good to see you as you have probably already guessed.  I am a little slow and have not had very much rest.   Starting this company has made me a little stressed.  I certainly don't want to be an unwelcome guest.  I heard Dick Cheney suffers from cardiac arrest.  Have you ever seen a movie that stars Mae West?  I'm playing Monopoly and landed on Community Chest.  Looking forward to seeing you, you are the best!  - Take care - Jim'

The Best New Comedic Actor - Aziz Ansari

There are tons of up and coming comedian actors in movies these days. I love Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Bill Hader, Jason Segel, Danny McBride, Paul Rudd and so many more great actors that make me laugh. I think it is about timing as much as anything, and I give a ton of credit to any comedian that can make a great funny movie.

I don't think it is possible to rank the funniest actors these days, because there is so much amazing talent out there.

But... There is one actor that I think is amazing, and I hope his career continues to grow and he gets the exposure that I think he deserves. His name is Aziz Ansari, and he is best known in his role as Tom Haverford on the NBC show Parks and Recreation. He also has cracked me up in his roles in movies such as Get Him to the Greek, Funny People and Observe and Report.

Ansari's performance has received notable praise from critics, including Entertainment Weekly naming him one of 2009’s “Breakout TV Stars,” TV Guide naming him a “Scene Stealer” and Yahoo! TV placing him in the number one spot on their list of “TV MVPS.

If you have not seen Aziz on TV or on film, I strongly urge you to take the time to check out one of his films. He will be showing up in Ruben Fleischer's (director of Zombieland) new film 30 Minutes or Less, which is a movie about two fledgling criminals who kidnap a pizza delivery driver and force him to rob a bank within 30 minutes.

In the action-comedy "30 Minutes or Less," Nick (Jesse Eisenberg) is a small town pizza delivery guy whose mundane life collides with the big plans of two wanna-be criminal masterminds (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson). The volatile duo kidnaps Nick and forces him to rob a bank. With mere hours to pull off the impossible task, Nick enlists the help of his ex-best friend, Chet (Aziz Ansari). As the clock ticks, the two must deal with the police, hired assassins, flamethrowers, and their own tumultuous relationship.

If you haven't seen Aziz, check out this short clip from NBC's Parks & Recreation, where he is out at a bar and runs into his boss out on a date with an older gentleman from another town...

Really Funny!!!

Younger Brother Caught Stealing Donuts...

I was cleaning up my younger sons (Stryde/4yo) bedroom and came across an empty box of Hostess Powdered Donettes (which are his favorite breakfast and afternoon snack), that we had bought the day before.    We had bought the donuts for his older brother (Dryver/6yo) to take to school for his class to share.

At first I thought the box was old and there was no way he could have possibly eaten an entire box of donuts by himself.   Then I saw a trail of powdered sugar that went from his bedroom all the way down to the kitchen.

I followed the trail, seeing hand-prints of powdered sugar all over the house, including a stop in the bathroom and even a stop in the broom closet (I am not sure why he was in there).

Well, I finally found the end of the sugar trail and found Stryde 'red-handed', so to speak, and confronted the suspect with the evidence.   Having been taught well from many legendary criminals of our times, he had a good defense.

Check out the video for yourself...

Employee Warning Record - Team DPE

Old School Mug Shots...

We are used to seeing the mug shots of Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, and Nicole Richie.  But these so called A-List celebs, have nothing on some of these brilliant old school mug shots from the 60's. 

 I guess now mug shots are a status symbol.   We need to go back to the old school look and feel where people were not very happy when they got arrested!

Justin Bibler's Swag Coach's Swag Coach...

This is one of the funniest self-promotional videos I have seen in along time...

Brilliant Use for Twitter

 

I love how this guy uses twitter to go right to the source, rather than going to Google or Wikipedia.  Who needs Wikipedia or IMDB, when you can contact people directly.

This is Why I Love the NFL!!!

This is just too good not to post...

So sick of hearing about Jennifer Anniston and her love life. Well of course The Onion has brought us the Hollywood story of the year!

Faith in God...

I guess there is only so much faith to go around...

Not Sure How I Missed This...

I have no idea how I missed this video, it is really funny. I think Jimmy Kimmel has been hitting it out of the park lately, and is so much better than Leno and even Letterman. I know it takes decades to change people's late night viewing habits, but he should be around for a long time.

Watch this brilliant video, it is really amazing the cast they brought together for this. Though they did this over months as they had guests, it is well written and really funny.

If you have 10-minutes, it is well worth watching...

This is brilliant & funny!

I love Steve Carell and wish he wasn't leaving The Office after next year. He is so funny, as you can see from this clip from the ESPY awards. This is a take-off on 'The Decision' played brilliantly by Steve Carell and Paul Rudd.

Check it out...

Now this is Brilliant...

For sale - slightly used rubber fist.

It is this type of creativity that keeps people smiling. I love the fact that someone even took a few of the numbers to call this guy. I really wish more people would take the time to share their creativity in the world and to help make people smile.

I love this and hope the guy and his buddies laughed the whole time.

Note - I am assuming this is not real of course, which if it is, then I am speechless.

Nice Timing!

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me

GarbageStan23: why?

Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!

GarbageStan23: oh shit!

Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever

Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

A Happy Birthday...

I love this random photo of this kid. He seems to be in shock with the fact that such a cute girl is not only within 30-feet of him, but giving him a kiss.

Just think girls, this kid could be the next Bill Gates one day, then again, he will probably be a postal worker.

Why am I Thinking...

Of my 1st grade son all of a sudden?

Being Soccer Dad...

Becoming a Soccer Dad is one of the parenting milestones that you don't realize you have reached until it is too late, it hits you like a fastball to the back of the head.    Now, you could be a Soccer Dad or a Hockey Dad or a Football Dad or even Golf Dad if you so desire.   They all lead to the same outcome... a realization of how much you want your child to succeed.  I don't think I really realized how much I wanted Dryver and Stryde to be successful until they played their first competitive sport.

Of course I knew that the primary reason I was there for the boys was to give them the support and tools and love to have a great life and to succeed as many times as possible, while also failing enough to learn and be humble.  Yes, I knew that I was here to help them as they stumbled and was there to always be that safety net until they didn't need one any longer.   I always knew I was there to help answer their questions and help them solve problems.   I just never really realized how much even the little success stories would play into these parenting objectives, that I guess are ingrained in you when your child enters this world. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those crazy parents that want my boys to be on the 'Varsity' squad and play in every second of the game.  I am not a parent that thinks my son's don't get enough attention from the coaches or kudos from the other parents.  I never question the coach or assistant coaches or even the crazy hyperactive parents.  

Listen, I don't expect or require anything from anyone, I just want my kids to enjoy life and have fun while growing and maturing into parents of their own.  So, I guess the way that all manifests itself is though little successes that they are able to enjoy in life from school to sports to social interactions to everything else.   What is really important to point out is that success in this context doesn't mean winning.   Success doesn't mean being the star player.   Success is not what you would think it is, at least not for me.   What I mean by success is anything and everything they do that makes them feel good and empowers them to grow their confidence and helps them mature and take more risks and push a little harder the next time.   The little successes as they enter the world of sports include everything from kicking the ball the right way to making a good pass to cheering his teammates on to actually scoring a goal.

I still can remember the goal Dryver scored this year in Lacrosse.  I still remember the long pass he caught in football a couple of years ago.  I still remember the hits that Stryde had at bat in tee-ball.  I remember Stryde letting another player take his place in the lineup, even though Stryde really wanted to bat first.   I remember when Dryver went out of his way to go help a competing player up after he had hit the floor hard in Basketball.   These small things are what I consider successes and are what make me happier than I can ever describe, and until you become a Soccer Dad (or Mom) you won't ever fully comprehend. 

I do understand why parents get into sports so much with their kids.  I totally understand the chills that go down your neck when you feel the same excitement as your child when they accomplish even the smallest of things.   Of course it is all relative, and as long as my boys are happy and having a great time, so am I!

Finally A Help Wanted Sign...

You don't see many help wanted signs these days... At least this store has some openings...


Oh wait...


Never mind.

The End of Newspapers...

This is a funny look at the end of the newspaper, and why the internet is really taking over...

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - Final Edition Edition

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video